Text of Disney's Response to Congress on Privacy (satire; not real)

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Have you ever seen how Disneyland and Walt Disney World answer written letters from their Guest Relations department? There's a certain rhythm to their replies. Wouldn't it be funny if they used that in responding to Congress's recent questions about privacy? [the following is a FAKE letter in this vein]

Dear Senator Markey,

Thank you for your letter dated January 24, 2013, and your questions regarding MagicBand, our privacy policies, and targeting of advertising to patrons, including children. 

As you know, the Walt Disney parks and resorts division encompassing both DISNEYLAND® Park and the WALT DISNEY WORLD® Resort has always striven to listen carefully to suggestions and questions from our visitors, and we value your input.

We constantly survey our visitors to determine their wishes and priorities for future visits. Due to popular demand, we are installing monitors every few yards in our parks to track their every movement, with a requirement that they wear a bracelet at all times to also track their purchases, ride habits, walking patterns, and even which kind of DISNEYLAND® Park visitor they are currently tailing from attraction to attraction in hopes of hooking up.

In keeping with Walt Disney's belief that we should always exceed expectations, we are rolling out still more initiatives that have not yet been announced. We have not yet made public our plans for BATHROOM+ but our surveys indicate our Guests will value it as much as they desire the upcoming FASTPASS+. 

As we are constantly re-evaluating our offerings based on Guest demand and feedback, plans may change at any time. Walt Disney once said that DISNEYLAND® Park will never be complete as long as there is imagination left in the world, and we use this quote whenever we want to avoid letting anyone outside the company know what we are actually planning to do.

We know you will be excited by our upcoming attractions and services, and look forward to seeing you at DISNEYLAND® Park and the WALT DISNEY WORLD® Resort soon! 

Sincerely,

Bob Iger

Note: the above was parody and satire. To my knowledge, as of this writing Disney hasn't  published a response to Congress yet. And yes, I guess the tone here doesn't track the usual Guest Relations letter EXACTLY [grin]

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Kevin Yee is the author of numerous independent Disney books, including the popular Walt Disney World Earbook series and Walt Disney World Hidden History.